let me read it to you…

(inspired by Anne Sexton’s poem, Courage)

I’m thinking of the moment after I wake

but before I open my eyes

I wonder if it will be a familiar scene

the one I left the night before or

if overnight the whole world has turned to black and white

if this is precious serenity before the bombing begins

if I will go downstairs to a hysterical nurse or abusive husband

if today I will learn that someone has died

and my whole life will have to be renegotiated to reckon with that

I’m thinking of the moment standing in the light of an open refrigerator

paralyzed because for an instant

I see my naked body standing there on the frosty shelf next to a bowl of apples

hands on her hips she snarls words I cannot hear

I grip the door handle breathless

a loud beeping sound warning me I’ve had the door open too long

I’m thinking of the moment before I turn out of the driveway onto the street

I’m thinking of the moment I notice a new mole on the side of my face

I’m thinking of the moment after I put my sneakers on but before I stand up to walk out the door

I’m thinking of the moment the phone rings or the doorbell chimes

I’m thinking of the moment in a conversation right before I ask for a favor

I’m thinking of the ten minutes before I write when I think I have finally run out of things to write about